“Does each move really have a meaning?” “Yes, my dear.” “What’s the significance of that hip movement?" Her dark eyes laughed even as she shook her head in disapproval. “Silly daughter, you will understand soon. But now you do not need to know, you just need to learn. Now, again. Step, hip, step, hip, step, around. Yes, good. Don’t forget your hands.” I followed her in a poor imitation. My mother was teaching me the Tanoura. She gracefully moved from step to step in a circle around me, hips shimmying and feet stomping out a beat. Her dress swirled around her like a sandstorm. I had come into my womanhood and tonight we would go into the desert and celebrate with all the women of my family. I would dance for the first time and become part of our tribe’s sisterhood. Step, hip, step, hip, step, around. Don’t forget my hands. Step, heel, step, around, hip, hip, hip. Again, and again until my legs shook with exhaustion, and sweat dripped off my sun-darkened brows.
An opportunity lost. The stuck cart has a way of forecasting . Liked the subtle way you have put it.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI really enjoyed this. How the cart getting stuck shows Mr. Coleman's fate is a great touch.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed it. The history of the town is really fascinating.
DeleteI love how much story is told here in so few words. It sounds like the intro paragraph to a novel. I did wonder if "Nabian" was a misspelling of "Nubian Desert" or maybe "Namibian desert" but it didn't take away from the piece.
ReplyDeleteIt was totally supposed to be Namibian. Proof reading for the...win?
DeleteI like the brevity of this sliver of life. In three sentences you've created a world for the reader.
ReplyDeleteThe gold rush had moved to the coast.
"Had moved" is passive. You could be changed the phrase to "moved" to make for a stronger declarative sentence. If Mr. Coleman could strikes it rich in diamonds, then why would it matter if the gold rush moved away? As Jen above said, geography matters.
Even in 44 word stories "had" is still my nemesis. Thanks you for the feedback, it was a very interesting exersize.
DeleteYou did a nice job of conveying the impermanence of prospecting towns, and the suddenness with which people left. I'm unfamiliar with "Nabian desert" though. Is that a real place, or a place in your imagination?
ReplyDeleteIt was supposed to be Namibian, but I lost an 'm'. But yes, it is a real place.
DeletePoor unfortunate Mr. Coleman. Great image of the cart getting stuck and implying that Mr. Coleman himself was just as stranded.
ReplyDelete